Don’t shy away from difficult emotions
Have you ever wondered why people are so drawn to scary movies, haunted houses, and roller coasters? Or why we gravitate toward tearjerker films and melancholy music? It is often assumed that people only want to experience positive emotions—and that especially at weddings we should avoid any negative emotions at all costs—yet all these experiences in entertainment and art involve negative emotions and the end result is actually pleasant and enriching. Many of life’s most moving and interesting experiences are characterized by a mix of positive and negative emotions.
“[Many event organizers] insist on keeping gatherings positive, especially when choosing themes. The meaningful gatherer doesn’t fear negativity, though, and in fact creates space for the dark and the dangerous.”
The psychological concept of Reversal Theory explains that so called “bad” emotions become good in the presence of a protective frame, basically a way for someone to see his or her situation as being safe from all serious negative consequences. For example we know the scary movie will end, and we are somewhat detached because we are watching it happen to someone else, and we trust that some engineering has gone into making the roller coaster we are riding essentially safe. This shift in context is what makes the experience of emotions like sadness, fear, or disgust—emotions we typically want to avoid—actually enjoyable.
Designers familiar with reversal theory have a deeper understanding of human experience and can use our knowledge to develop environments and situations that support the full range of human motivations, fostering the design of weddings in new and powerful ways. Everyone’s life is touched by pain, heartbreak, or grief at some point. Acknowledging our common struggles actually reaffirms our shared humanity, bonding us deeper together.
It's also important to design ups and downs throughout the wedding day: in the same way that negative space accentuates the subject of an image, lulls and quiet moments accentuate the moments of joy and wonder. If the entire wedding day offers a consistent level of happiness, it would actually be rather dull. Think about how incredible it feels to get into bed and finally rest after a particularly exhausting day. Something ordinary can feel extraordinarily pleasurable when contrasted with its opposite. The same is true for the emotional journey you create for guests on the wedding day.
Sadly, the idea of introducing darker emotions into the wedding day is pretty controversial and often fiercely resisted. Far too many wedding subscribe to a cult of positivity, resulting in rather tame events that are neither thought- or heart-provoking.
The most common concern I hear from couples regarding negative emotions is how to pay tribute to loved ones who have died without making everyone uncomfortable. Not only is it possible, but doing so deepens the experience for everyone as well, as long as there is a protective frame around the experience. Why should we shy away from talking about death at weddings? Both weddings and deaths are among life’s most profound milestones—along with births, coming-of-age ceremonies, and graduations. All of these alter the shapes and structures of our families and communities, and are marked by ceremonies and gathering. Personally I believe it isn’t just acceptable, but essential, to create space for a little darkness to come in and acknowledge the commonalities and overlaps of these major milestones. Acknowledging death makes us more present with the joys of being alive.
So how do we design a moment to honor a loved one whose absence is deeply felt? While displaying photos or an empty chair is a sweet gesture, it’s a little morbid to make guests sit with with a ghost for the entire meal. The moment itself should be personalized to the couple, their event, and the person or people being honored, but allow a psychological distance between guests and the object of their emotion. Make a genuine tribute, allow everyone their moment of grief, and then move on, giving everyone permission to return to a spirit of festivity and fun.
Joy and grief are not separate emotions, they are often deeply woven together. Grieving a loss can also connect us to a profound sense of love. So in designing an emotional journey of course it’s not as if we are saying from 7-7:15 we are scheduling some time for sadness, then from 7:15 onward we will have happy times, but address openly that you have set aside this moment for the macabre and then acknowledge that it’s safe to feel sadness, grief, and heartache, and it’s also safe to feel love, connection, and joy. It can be as simple as lighting a candle at the ceremony, or as direct as bookending a toast with, “I just wanted to take a brief moment to acknowledge….” and “Dad was famous for his parties, so the best tribute would be dancing until we drop!” Then cue the band. The best tributes are genuine, heartfelt, and brief.
